When a God Shrinks
by Molten-Ashes
Summary: "I'm Primus! Your Creator!" "Yeah and I'm a headless chicken from Mars."   A/N: Where's the 'Primus' character tag!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Crack... starring Primus and Unicron. Enjoy!)

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><p>The last thing he remembered before his eternal dreams stopped and blackness flooded in, a strange wash of cosmic energy had exploded over him. Frowning to himself, Primus mentally counted to ten before he tried onling his optics. He had been awoken by a rude string of coding prodding at his activation codes and he was tempted just to smite whatever was trying to get his attention and return back to the dream plane.<p>

"Don't you ignore me, you stupid mech!" a gruff, moody voice snapped in his helm making him jump.

"Who dares disturb me?" he rumbled in that godly tone that his creations usually listened to without hesitation, it had been incredibly handy when dealing with Prima and the other twelve of the First Thirteen when they had been sparklings tumbling around in his palms.

"I do. Now get your sleeping beauty aft up. It took me ages to defrag you." The medic snarled at him, forcefully activating his optics so now the God of the Transformers was currently staring up at an abysmal neon orange ceiling.

"Ah my optics!" he cried, reaching up to cover his optics with the arm that had the city of Kaon balancing on his forearm. "Whoever ordered that colour painted on there is going straight to the pit!"

"Yeah, yeah hero." Snorted the mostly white medic giving the God a thump on the back of the helm with a wrench, "Now shut up and turn your helm to the left, I missed a wire."

"Don't you know who I am?" Primus huffed, his physical avatar crossing his arms over his chest plates covering the city of Vos. "I'm Primus, your creator!"

"Yeah, and I'm a headless chicken from Mars." The mostly white medic snorted in what could have been amusement as he finished reattaching the wire in the city decorated bots neck, "You must have hit your helm harder than I thought. Shame your buddy got dragged off by the Decepticons, I bet he was the sane one."

"My buddy?" Primus asked curiously as the grouchy medic nodded, beckoning for the God to stand.

"Uh-huh, now transform into your alt so I can see if that new transformation cog is working properly." As Primus used his godly powers to determine the name of the grouch, Ratchet his name was…

"But I'm a planet." Primus chirred in confusion as Ratchet rolled his optics and tapped his pede impatiently on the equally nauseating orange floor.

"Then you're the smallest planet I've ever had the pleasure to meet." Ratchet snorted sarcastically as Primus scanned himself over making sure he still had his Planet Alternate mode and flaring his plating angrily.

"When I get back to my rightful size mortal, I'm going to smite you." He threatened much to the medic's amusement.

"Sure, you do that." Ratchet chuckled soothingly, patting the god on the shoulder, "Now please turn into your Alternate Mode."

"Fine." He grumbled, folding himself up, expecting to float weightlessly like he usually did only to forget he wasn't in space anymore. And with a startled yelp, the miniature planet of Cybertron fell to the floor, rolling around the Medical Bay like a giant demonised beach ball as Primus gave into the panic he had been holding back in favour of threatening the CMO of the Autobots.

"I've shrunk!" the God shrieked, Ratchet cursing as he chased the giant orb around the Medical Bay, "Somebody put me in the tumble dryer!"

"Will you calm down!" the CMO of the Autobots shouted as the mini-planet unfolded and the apparent 'Avatar' of Primus ran in small circles clutching his antennas wailing at the top of his voice. "So you're not 'A big Scary Planet' anymore. No big deal. Now come on you crazy mech, Optimus wants to see you."

"Optimus Prime?" Primus asked searching his memory banks and growling as he remembered the death defying Prime, "Oh, _him_ I have a bolt to pick with. Do you know how many times that Prime has been reincarnated into the same fragging body without my permission? I swear I need to have to modify the Well of Sparks into a high security jail each time he tries to come back to the mortal plane. He's worse than Prima collecting shiny objects!"

"Sure you do." The medic said, leading the way out of the Medical Bay into the corridor, the good God of the Transformers fizzing angrily as he trudged behind him.

"Optimus, I've got our guest with me." The CMO sighed shaking his helm as he pushed Primus before the conference table where Optimus and his officers were discussing the weekly rota. "Be warned he's a little eccentric."

"Excuse me?" Primus huffed, his optics narrowing at the medic as he took his seat beside an enthusiastic looking engineer that was fiddling with two batteries, wires and a light bulb.

"Ah, yes, welcome…" Optimus trailed off as Primus eyed him up and down before speaking.

"Primus."

"Primus," Optimus nodded as the Matrix in his chest gave an odd lurch, almost as if it was trying to hide.

"Don't forget me." A deep dark voice interrupted with a sinister echo that curled around them before a flare of shadow materialised into the devilish visage of Unicron. "There you are Primus. I've been looking everywhere for you. And that egoistical twit Megatron was no help whatsoever, he shot at me with his fusion cannon! He earned himself a one way trip to the Pit!"

"Oh goodie." Primus replied sourly as the dark god flared his wing array at him. "So you're stuck as a mini-planet too, Unicron?"

"At least I can fly." Unicron snickered at his opposite, "you have to roll around."

"Aft," Primus snapped prodding his counterpart in the chest plates. "Whatever other god that is up there, just please get me back in space. Anything over this madness, I'm telling you, I'm _glad_ I recharge milleni-vorns at a time."

"Do you think it's possible for me to eat the ARK?" Unicron asked with a thoughtful air as Primus ranted to himself and his deceased creations in the Well, "I mean, I'll have to choose a small target now that I'm vaguely the size of a transformer's beach ball. This orange abomination should do just fine."

Optimus, currently the only one of his officers who hadn't crashed the instant both Gods started to argue, rubbed his optics in exasperation as a call came through on his communication link from a terrified sounding Ultra Magnus.

"Optimus? We've got a problem! Cybertron has disappeared right out from under us!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(More random crack with Primus and Unicron, they are so fun to mess with, Primus especially XD. Enjoy!)

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><p><em><strong>===Autobot Base= ARK= Conference Room 1= Weekly Rota Meeting (mark 2)===<strong>_

Primus rolled his optics as Optimus squirmed under his scrutiny. "Why do you want the Matrix?" the Prime asked as the God became more irritated, a heavenly glow of blue, white, red and gold meshing together in his optics.

"I need to talk with the other Primes." He rumbled as Unicron snickered behind him, his twin enjoying his temper tantrum immensely after he had had to repair the entire table of Prime's crashed officers. "Since I have no idea what's going on, those old codgers might know something."

"But they're mortals." The present Prime protested even as he obeyed the command of his god and extracted the Matrix from his chest. "How would they know?"

"It records everything, Knowledge, memories…" Primus said, allowed himself to smirk smugly as he poked the orange metal encasing the glittering crystallised knowledge of the Prime's, "Did you know that I originally created this to store the memories of the First Thirteen as younglings? I wonder if the stuff I recorded is still in here…"

Prowl, the logical driven SIC of the Autobots managed to suppress a crash without frying too many of his logic chips as he struggled to put two and two together, "Are you telling us that the Matrix is a camcorder?"

"Precisely." Unicron nodded as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe, baring his fanged denta in a devil's grin as the Autobot's ideals of the 'holy, all powerful' Matrix shattered into fines grains of sand.

"But the wisdom of all the Primes is in there!" Ratchet protested, "How can it be a camcorder ?"

"It is a camcorder, I should know, I created the thing." Primus snorted, tapping the crystals at the centre that gave out a high coughing whine before a hologram was emitted onto the table, the video of thirteen little demi-gods playing on a giant mound of building blocks filling the conference table. "Aww, they were so cute at that age." Primus sighed wistfully.

"Are you dragging out the home videos _again_?" a voice whined from within the Matrix making the Autobots around the table jump, "Creator! Stop embarrassing us!"

"Oh, Prima stop being such a femme." Primus snickered as the Matrix glowed with a godly aura and hovered out of the God's servo, the ghostly apparition of the first Prime standing sulking before the bots as the God of Transformers turned to the table with a grin, his mood improving at the sight of his eldest and first creation. "This camcorder can also channel the dead."

"Hi, Prima." Unicron snickered waving joyfully from where he had couched out on a shadow couch, a little demon mech popping out of nowhere to serve the Pit ruler a drink of some poor planet's core. "I must say I prefer you as an adult than the little brat you used to be."

"Isn't he supposed to be in the pit somewhere Creator?" Prima scowled at the Chaos Bringer spitefully.

"Your Uncle is staying right where he is. The worst he can do under my watch is possibly eat a minibot when I am concentrating on something else." Primus replied neutrally, offering his twin a glare over his shoulder as Optimus sent a memo to the minibot population of the ARK to either hide in a ventilation shaft until the gods vacated earth or tag along with Skyfire or one of the larger mechs for protection.

The Dark God waved innocently earning a sour look from the ghost of Prima, "But really Creator, stop dragging out the home videos. Megatronus can only handle so much embarrassment without having a hissy fit."

"Ah, yes," the Chaos Bringer grinned, his green optics flashing with a cheerful light that Primus had only ever seen when Unicron was talking about one of two things, Planet Eating or teasing Primus about the Betrayer of the Thirteen, the Prime of darkness, Megatronus. "How is my favourite nephew?"

"Doing better since I turned him back into a sparkling and erased his memories." The Good God of the Transformers muttered with a scowl, he was clearly still a little touchy over the subject of The Fallen.

"If I might interject?" Optimus asked as Red Alert began to mutter about 'hallucinogen in the energon' and something about 'Wheeljack's fault'. "Could you three take this outside? We have a schedule to keep, and I would prefer it if you didn't traumatise my officers while we are in the middle of rearranging the weekly rota, Jazz apparently has a new game he wants us to try after we finish."

The saboteur nodded, bouncing excitedly in his seat as he withdrew a box from his subspace and slid it into the centre of the table, the video of the first Thriteen as younglings dissolving around it, "Pack up the datapads mechs! We're playing Tiddlywinks!"


End file.
